Whats a mom to do?

So, Carsen has been out at his Gramp's and Mamae's house this WHOLE weekend. I don't think I need to say that I had no idea what to do with myself, but I will for effect. I have really been walking in circles the whole time. I'll do a chore of some sort, then wander around the house for a while feeling like I should be changing a diaper, or singing Toddler Tunes, or feeding someone, or playing silly games. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy the much needed "me" time that this allows for. But he is my baby and no one knows how to take care of him like I do..... I know that he is in perfectly capable hands and being wonderfully taken care of. But not by me. That's the point. I just miss him. I wanna kiss his chubby little cheeks and see his sweet little smile when I make a fool of myself for his benefit. If I'm not being Carsen's mommy, then who am I?

That's a concept I've been struggling with a bit for a little while. I know who I was before Carsen. I was a student-and employee-a fun-loving- in-killer-shape-beer-drinkin-jitter-buggin-all day and most of the night, gal. I remember going out with Archie some nights and not getting back in until 1 or 2 in the morning but being able to sleep for a few hours and rise and shine at 4 am to be at work by 5. I'd just hook up to an I.V drip of espresso. Kidding. I was fully within my physical capabilities to do that. And to top it off I'd go straight to the gym after working a full day to run 6 or 8 miles and lift weights. I was superwoman I tell ya. I even managed to keep straight A's in my classes.

I am nowstill some of those things. I'm still Jess the student-employee. But now, I'm Jess-Carsen's Mommy. A title I will never give up nor deny. I love, love, love being a mom. Its the essence of my life. Seeing his little cherub face first thing in the morning and the last thing I see at night gives me more happiness than you'll ever know. I mean, I GREW him in my TUMMY. And then I GAVE BIRTH to HIM. He is why I exist and will continue existing. I actually like doing mommy things like being spit up on, peed on, pooped on (yes, like all moms my life for some reason gravitates toward this), performing silly dances to convince a little someone that green beans are delicious and he wants to eat them, soothing a very angry little man to ensure him that I will indeed feed him again. Oh the list goes on. I won't lie because I am very fortunate enough to have such a mellow baby that allows me to take a shower (at mock 1 not 3) everyday as long as he is sitting in his jump-a-roo in the bathroom so he can hear mommy talking. I know moms who are lucky if they get to shower 3 times a week at this stage.

But who am I other than Carsen's-mommy-student-and employee? I'm afraid to admit that going to the gym has fallen by the wayside. I use (and probably still do) love nothing more than popping my iPod in and working up a good sweat. I never felt better and more than enough energy. I'm not overweight, and I have no baby weight to loose (God bless breastfeeding) but I'm soft and not very fit anymore. I'm not really into the beer-drinking-jitter-bugging-all-night kinda girl anymore. I'd rather be at home (maybe have a few, and by few I mean one, beers) with my little boy safely tucked in under my watch. Occasionally I get the bug (haha) to go out and pretend for just one night that I have the stamina I use to. I usually pay for it for several days after the fact now though. Its kinda sad really, I mourn the loss of my old self, but and more than rejoicing in my new self. I guess I  just wish I had some "new mom" friends too. I love, love, love my old friends to bits and pieces, but having someone else to relate a little more too would be nice.

Ok, enough of the "who am I besides a mom" spew. I'll figure it all out in good time. I suppose all new moms go through this phase. I am currently happy as a clam. I got to sleep in, take a 40 minute bath yesterday, drink my coffee before it reached the icy chill of our outside air, clean up, make dinner, and bake cupcakes (don't ask). Oh! And I was able to read a good 1/3 of my newest book on my Kindle. : ) And as for today, I intend on showering, drinking my coffee, and reading yet again. For school kicks back into gear on Wed. Which means I'll be over taken with lab practicals, projects, exams, homework, and really dull reading until the early weeks of summer..........